Still Waters
by KittenKin
Summary: "To make restitution, not to make it right. Nothing could ever make it right..." - Fai Fluorite of Celes. Pre-series Celes fic, rated M for exceedingly disturbing content.


**Author's Notes:** Written for a request at the CLAMPkink community that asked for Fai having sex with real!Fai's corpse. I had absolutely no intention of touching this prompt even with a ten foot pole, but my lamentable tendency to wonder, "but how _could_ it happen, realistically speaking, without breaking character?" turned into this fic. I tried to make it as unsquicky as possible, but you really can't write something like this and not have it be disturbing as hell. It would be disturbing if it WASN'T disturbing! *laugh*

**Warnings:** Twincest and necrophilia. Run away, children, and don't look back.

* * *

The first real spell he mastered allowed him to breathe water as if he were a little frog instead of a little prince, and from that day on, he spent at least an hour of each night with Fai.

It was like being back in the womb with his brother and it was only there at the bottom of the deep pool, drowned in water and shadows and silence, that he could find any true rest. His sleep was restless and painful and his waking moments even more so, and within the accusing silence in his heart he knew that these hours in his brother's presence were really for him, though he tried to make them for Fai's sake as well. The magic that allowed him to breathe underwater also allowed speech, and he spent most of these precious stolen moments in whispering softly into a pale ear, telling his brother what he - what _"Fai" _- had done that day.

For while Fai lay silent and still in this secret pool in this secret chamber, _"Fai"_ was breathing and walking about the castle and the lands surrounding it, learning the ways and magic of this new kingdom and carving out a place for himself in it. One day when Fai rose from his long sleep, he would have not just a body made healthy and strong to inhabit but a life ready-made to step into. A fine body and a good life; the things that had been taken away from him by a brother's weakness and fear and stupidity, to be given back to him by that same sibling's desperate desire to make restitution.

To make restitution, not to make it right. Nothing could ever make it _right_, that he had stolen away his brother's life out of an inexplicable moment of selfishness. He didn't know, even in those terror-stricken brave moments when he dared to face his guilt, how he could have done it, but the memory was there and inarguable. He had been given an opportunity to save his brother, and had chosen to cast him down instead. Far better that he should have struck his twin down back in the grand throne room, murdered him in cold blood and calculation, than that he should have let him suffer through those long years of imprisonment before causing his death anyway in the end.

And so "Fai" washed up thoroughly, carefully brushed his hair, ate and drank as well as he could and took the air when the weather allowed it. His sleep was plagued with nightmares but he determinedly went to bed each night, and the result of all these efforts at the end of a year was a decently pink-cheeked little boy with short, silky golden locks and clear blue eyes. He was a bit on the thin side and too quiet and solemn for his age, but all agreed that he was a beautiful, fine little boy and he was satisfied in this regard at least.

He whispered into Fai's shriveled ear that he'd heard people about the castle praising him for his beauty of face and of person. He also relayed that Ashura-ou had just that day praised his firm, steady steps, so different from the weak stumblings of a year ago. A lock of long, brittle hair wafted up to brush against him, stirred by his movements in the cold dark water, and he closed his eyes and imagined the light touch to be his brother's fingers caressing his face as if to thank him for sharing what he'd heard.

Sometimes he didn't talk at all, and only lay there with his brother, pretending that the susurration of water and the echoes of his own heartbeat were the sounds of both their hearts, and that they were infants again, sleeping safe together in the darkness of their mother's body.

* * *

He attained the highest rank in wizardry at what people thought was a young age, and spent nearly half that night in telling his brother all about the ceremony that had invested "Fai" with the right to add the D-rank designation to his name and the celebration that had followed. He told him how the people in the castle who saw him day in and day out now no longer petted him and cooed over his beauty, but rather bowed respectfully to his rank and power. The ward of the king, outstripping even that king in magics; "Fai" was no longer the castle pet, but the uncrowned prince.

He reassured his brother many times over that he did not mind the distance that people were keeping. It was even desirable that they do so. While he made certain with all the charm and graces he could muster that "Fai" had no enemies, he also made certain that he had no close ties with any but the one man among them all who knew that one day "Fai" would become Fai in truth, not just name. Ready-made bonds of friendship and love would be awkward to loosen and break should his brother not find them as much to his tastes as the well-formed body and highborn lifestyle.

He was very careful with the body and life that he was borrowing until he could fulfill his appointed tasks and was granted the ability to return these stolen goods to their rightful owner.

His duties were few but his studies were many, both those encouraged and suggested by the king as well as those self-appointed for uses that his king might not approve. His Majesty was the only one who shared in his secrets, but he did not share them all. Life was very full, with few hours left for his own, but those that he had continued to be spent at the bottom of the secret pool, watched over now by Chii who was formed out of magic and the memory of their mother.

The shadowy pool was more than ever like a womb now, with Chii's sweet face blurred by the gentle waves and dark water as their mother's face was blurred by time and imperfect recollection. She stayed in the crystal bed where his brother slept during all the long hours when he could not be there himself, and he was comforted with the thought that Fai was now never alone. He liked to think of Chii curled softly 'round his brother's small and shriveled form, holding him gently as a real mother would, as their true mother could never bear to do. She needed no air, no food, no amusements, and only left Fai's side when he himself sank down into the blue-black shadows. When the twins were together, Chii watched over them both from the lip of the pool, long hair trailing over the marble and into the water where lay her creator-wizard and child-ward.

He had knelt by her feet and slipped his arms around her slender waist once, but found that he could not allow himself to feel any comfort in the embrace she naturally returned. From then on he had treated her more like a pet, or rather the magical construct that she truly was, and left all of her maternal gestures for Fai.

* * *

He grew in height and weight and graces, and learned how to do many, many things.

Being not only High Wizard but the king's favorite, he was naturally made to learn of politics and war, and memorized much of history and geography. He studied music and poetry and art, learned how to fight with all manner of weaponry, and soon could dance as well with a sword as with a partner. He preferred archery and song, however. Things that allowed him to keep his distance.

His magic remained part of his studies though he had attained the greatest rank long ago. He added to his lore the art of mixing potions and poultices to make up for his inability to heal, and studied even the types of magic and fighting that he had no intention of mastering. He practiced every skill that came his way, knowing, never forgetting, that he had a long and dangerous journey in his uncertain but certainly bloody future. One who is bound to battle must needs know how to fight and defend.

He also learned how to smile, and how to laugh. He kept his distance from people but the distance was polite, and still near enough for him to watch, to observe, and to learn. His voice was equally well adapted for speech as it was for song, and his expansive education and gentle rearing allowed him to speak well with anyone from the king himself to the kitchen scullion. For Fai's sake he made no lasting ties. For his own, he threw himself into the study of man and woman and all the intricacies of their hearts and minds. One who is bound to kill must needs know how to manipulate and deceive.

He learned how to do many, many things, but there were also many things he could not, would not learn.

He grew and changed and began to yearn, but while his smiles were become many, he never used them to draw anyone closer. His eyes were bright and clear, but he never allowed anyone to gaze deeply into them. He was grown from a fine little boy into a very fine young man, but he never looked forward to a future family for himself nor looked around him for a lover to warm his present nights. Those things were for the Fai who slept under the water, not the "Fai" who walked about the castle halls.

The little girls who had peeped at him from around corners grew into fine young women who made eyes at him from across rooms, but he let them all catch other men's eyes instead. He sometimes looked at this girl or that woman, wondering what color or shape or sound might first catch his brother's interest and spark the flame that could someday kindle a family into being. He never had to struggle against much more than natural curiosity or a very vague desire for contact and warmth. He found satisfaction in his lack of envy for his brother's future of wife and hearth and tiny little boots, and looked with lofty condescension at the variety of females about him.

Pride goeth before a fall. He disdained the soft smiles, sweet giggles and gentle curves of the young women that were within reach, and was unaware of the dangers in the crooked grin, hearty laugh and strong arm of the Captain of the Guard.

The swordsman was tall, well-muscled and moved with an easy, confident grace that reminded one of a warhorse or rock wolf; something strong and proud and spirited. Though highborn and well-educated, the man loved the warrior life and chose to serve, dedicating himself to the sword and shield. And since decades passed without a war and the guards about the castle were many, this man had a fair number of idle hours that he filled with study, both in diving into books and in riding off on journeys, there to study foreign weapons and their arts.

The wizard ran into the captain in the library and found the man to be both talkative and curious. Some people liked to talk and other liked to listen; this man liked both and was adept at drawing both speech and thoughtful silence from his companion of the moment as well. Well-traveled now in addition to well-educated and well bred, the captain had conversation and address to interest even the cautiously standoffish High Wizard. The man was not young and not female and his manner was engaging but casual, and so seemed not to be a possible threat to carefully laid plans in the form of a too-close friend or tempting lover.

He responded to the captain's conversational overtures in the library for the sake of politeness and accepted the captain's offers to teach him how to fight with this or that foreign weapon in the yard for the sake of his bloody future. He never thought of the man as dangerous because he never thought of the man outside of their encounters, and didn't realize that it was because he kept himself so busy otherwise...and because the captain seemed to run across his path so often that he hardly had time to miss the man between visits. And so when one day they ended up locked together at wrist and hip while figuring out the best way to fight with a sword and dagger both, he was taken entirely by surprise when twinkling brown eyes suddenly turned glittering and dark, and that rugged face moved in closer to his, lips parted now to capture and kiss instead of just panting with the exercise.

And it shocked him almost to the death when he realized he was leaning in to receive and return.

His weapons sang against the cobblestones as he opened his hands and shoved hard, pushing the man back and pushing himself away, and ignored the shout that chased him as he fled as if a flight of dragons was after him. He ran until he was safe from all eyes - at least all curious ones plus one pair of gently sorrowful, _knowing _eyes - and hid the rest of the day behind a pillar in the secret chamber where none had the passkey and spell that allowed entrance save the king and his favorite. He screwed shut his eyes and clamped his fists over his ears as if to shut out the accusations of his own heart, and stayed crouched and miserable and confused until emotion wore itself out and he could breathe without gasping.

After stripping off all but his trousers as was his wont when he went to visit his brother, he raised Chii from her watery bed and sank down himself to confess his near fall. He had barely examined his own thoughts and emotions and when he nestled down in the cold water and clear crystal he hardly knew what to say. _I was almost kissed today,_ he finally murmured, and then once that was told everything spilled forth like water from a burst dam.

He confessed to almost kissing, not just almost being kissed, and then he explained that it had been a man, and an older one at that; someone he hadn't realized he needed to be on his guard against, especially in this sort of thing. Once he began to explain how it had all come to be, he saw more clearly how it had come to be without his seeing. Never having allowed himself a friend beyond the king he worshiped and adored and was so indebted to, he had not recognized that what the captain had offered and cultivated was in fact friendship. Never having allowed himself romance or even simple lust, he had not recognized the desire in those warm brown eyes nor realized that he'd been falling in love.

He told Fai all about the man; his looks and ways and the easy, engaging manner he had that made even mundane topics interesting. He told him about the warrior's grace on the practice grounds and the way he could move elegantly through a crowd despite his great height and breadth of shoulders. He related how the younger son of a noble had chosen such a humble calling and excelled in it with his education and experience. He told his brother how all these things plus the sheer warmth of the man had caught him unawares and nearly made him fall in love and into the other man's arms and then he promised never to speak to the Captain of the Guard again.

And then, as if reluctant to stop speaking of his almost-first love and sever utterly the fragile tie that had spun itself into existence before his very eyes without catching his notice, he told Fai how it had felt to almost be kissed. He related how they'd come to be practicing with the new weapons and described their steps and swings and the way blades and hilts had come to be locked together, tensed arms drawing the mock-combatants together, separated only by steel and leather and silk and just enough space between them for a small plume of mingled breath to form in the eternally chilled air. His watery whisper faltered and fell in volume as he thought back to how it had felt to have soft snowflakes kissing his lips and melting because of the other man's breath instead of his own body heat, and he went from confessing to his brother to merely talking to himself. He fell completely silent as his thoughts strayed to wondering what it would have felt like to be kissed, and then shuddered suddenly as desire flamed into life within him, a reaction hours delayed by shock and guilt.

There was a kiss on his lips yearning to be given away and his heart twisted within him that he had almost let Fai's first kiss be stolen by someone his brother might never meet face to face. There was a kiss on his lips yearning to be given away and he writhed with shame and longing, lust and guilt. There was a kiss on his lips yearning to be given away and he pressed his lips to his brother's wasted cheek for fear that he'd be unable to hold onto it once he left the chamber.

He'd been under control all these years while keeping people at careful arm's length, but now that someone had side-stepped him and come close - _breathed_ against his skin - he was dying for the affection that he never allowed himself to accept. "Fai" was grown tall and strong, firm flesh over elegant bones, silky hair and supple skin and blood that now raced hot through his veins. Fai was a mere wisp of a body; skin stretched tight over bone and only kept from turning to dust by the presence of powerful magic dressed in their mother's form. And yet it was the taller twin who was the one who was starved; for love, for touch, for warmth. But to take these things from someone meant to steal them away from Fai, and he'd already taken too much.

Everything that he took for himself was for Fai. He fed his body so that Fai would be strong and healthy someday. He made a life for "Fai" so that Fai would have a life to live when the time came. He took on knowledge and skills and accepted gifts and authority, and set them all aside for Fai's use.

Everything that he denied himself was also for Fai. He made no close friends and took no lovers, leaving such things for his brother to choose for himself. The first kiss of these lips was for Fai to give away. The first confession of love, the first embrace of skin to skin. He only allowed himself those little gestures of affection from the king, who knew who he was, _what _he was, and therefore could not take anything meaningful away from Fai and give it to "Fai" instead. A light caress of his hair, a careful hug; these rare gifts on rare occasions were all he let himself have, and he was suddenly desperate and ravenous.

He would not, could not take anything more from his twin, from whom he'd already stolen freedom and life. He gave everything to Fai, even that which he took unto himself he ceded to his brother, and he now clung to that wasted body because he was dying for someone to touch and there was no one in all the world that he could freely embrace save for his sibling. He could not presume so on his relationship with the king and there was nothing for him in Chii's innocent arms. There was no one for him but Fai and he bowed his head over the fragile form and pressed himself close from head to toe, wishing that once, just once, Fai could hold him back.

He wept, and his tears were lost in the water. There was no one to see him but Chii and she was too far above them to truly see anything even if she'd had the sharpness of mind to know what she observed, but he still turned his face away from the wavering light filtering down into the deep pool. He was half-naked and sunk deep in cold water and yet his eyes burned, his face was flushed and his body hot. He could even feel angry now at the dark-haired man who had stirred up these murky feelings in him with that brief trespass into his heart, and clung all the more fiercely to the one he'd nearly betrayed.

The convulsive clasp of his trembling hands and a tense, unhappy curl of his long legs brought their two bodies closer together and he suddenly gasped and shuddered at the way a bony hip clad in lush fabrics and fur dug hard into his groin. Emotionally stunted he might be, but physically he was fit and suffered all the inconveniences of a healthy young man. Reliving the near-kiss had roused him to half-hardness already despite the misery and chill, and the unexpected pressure against his awakening arousal sent a lightning bolt of pleasure through his body. Blue eyes stared unseeingly into the mass of long hair he'd buried his face into before pale lids fluttered shut over them, and his heartbeat thudded loudly through the entire pool, drowning out the thready moan that trickled from his parted lips as he unthinkingly moved again.

The Captain of the Guard had brought to life a kiss on his lips, and he'd fled here and pressed it to his brother's cheek because there was no one else in the world he could give something like that to but Fai. And the Captain of the Guard had also roused desire in his body, and he closed his eyes and hesitantly rocked his hips because...because...

There was no because. There was no one else in the world he could share himself - the truth and reality of himself - with but Fai, but this wasn't like all the other secrets he whispered in the water. This wasn't an opening of his heart and baring of his secrets. Even as he did it - moved his body to deliberately cause that jolting, jarring friction - doubts and fears and screams flickered through his mind as quickly as pleasure sparked low in his belly to arch his spine and make his eyebrows knit over tightly clenched lids. His stomach twisted and his heart felt like he was being stabbed right through it, but his blood also ran hot through his body and he was powerless before the unexpected, unfamiliar intensity of it all.

This was wrong, but when so much was already wrong in his world, it became difficult to separate the wrongs that were simply the way things were from the wrongs that were truly wrong. It was like getting a coal smear on a black shirt after the sun had gone out and left the world in darkness. What did it matter?

And in the very back of his mind, a despairing, laughing, barely sane voice replied that it didn't matter at all since Fai was dead and would never know what he...what _Yuui_ was doing.

He was submerged in cold water and the body he clung to was his brother's and his brother was dead, but to counterbalance and tip all this over, his blood boiled hot enough to ward off the chill temporarily and this was Fai; Fai whom he loved like no other, Fai who had been the only one to love him for himself, Fai who was all he had and to whom he would give up everything, even unto his very life. His body was young and healthy though his heart was wasted and before his trembling thrusts could even increase to a frantic pace it was over. His hands were clenched white-knuckled in his brother's cloak and he came, choking and sobbing into the mass of long hair he'd buried his face in.

He didn't open his eyes again; instead letting darkness fall over his mind as it already had his eyes. Thoughts chased him down into blessed unconsciousness as he lay there unmoving beside his equally motionless twin. Father, mother, countrymen, king, brother...all dead. All he had left was a corpse and a construct. Maybe the twins hadn't been cursed after all; maybe it was just _him_.

The water moved around them, stirred by his motions and now rocking gently around their still forms. It flowed around and between them, making Fai's hair caress his cheek, absorbing the tears that seeped from his eyes, cooling his hot cheeks and dissipating the milky fluid seeping through his clothing. It rocked them gently as it swirled about the pool, shattering their images on its restless surface as the memory-mockery of their mother watched over them from far above, and in its cold, numbing embrace, the twins slept.


End file.
